In case you couldn't tell from my last post, I have been a bit obsessed lately with the striving, stressing, seeking need so many of us have to prove and defend our worthiness to others and to ourselves. What is it? Where does it come from? Why do we do it? How do we change it?
Honestly, I never thought this was an issue for me. I had compassion when I heard other girls talk about it, but it just never occurred to me that deep down I might not feel "good enough." BUT...when I started to look at how and why I respond to (or ignore) certain things, and when I really, really, really listened to the constant chatter in my head, it made me stop. dead. in. my. tracks...
It kind of just hit me: if I owned my enough-ness, there wouldn't be any need for my judgment, my criticism, my defensiveness. Mostly these are directed at myself, but (and I'm not proud to say it) if I'm finding ways that I'm not perfect, you better believe I'm finding ways that you're not perfect, too. *sorry*
Weakness? Needing help? Failure? Not having everything under control? No way, not me!!!
Dont' get me wrong, I'll (occasionally...rarely) admit to a mistake here and there, but that's not the same as FAILING! It's not the same as saying that you need help or that you can't do it on your own! Are you kidding me? Only losers screw up the big stuff! Failure, vulnerability, and neediness are not things you accept, they are things you OVERCOME!
So.... it's a story for another day, but let's just say that that mindset hasn't really been working for me lately, and I've been trying to look at things a bit differently.
How can I really have success, if I am ashamed and hiding parts of myself or my story? Is it possible that failure might not be a sign that I am bad, or a loser, or unworthy? If I really owned my enough-ness, is it possible that failure might... possibly... just maybe... be something separate from me? A gift? A lesson to learn, an opportunity to pause, an experience to share?
Nobody ever said I had to like it, but maybe I can learn first to admit it, and then hopefully to understand and accept it. To understand that true success and strength will come only when I'm able to snuggle up close and embrace the vulnerability that's wrapped around my weakness, my failures. To take the risk, admit the imperfection, walk through it with head up and Diet Pepsi in hand, and really, really, really, deep down in my soul, know that it is good and that I that am still (possibly even more) worthy and good because of it.
Hmmm.... so, how's that for a little light reading on a Friday afternoon? LOL!
Anyway - here's a little nugget I found last night when I was searching enough-ness. It's kind of long (20 minutes) but I think it's worth it!
All kinds of other yumminess like this over at TED.com. You can even download the videos (or audio versions) onto your ipod - I highly recommend it. WAY better than wasting hours on youtube!