Random Update

I know, I'm a bad, bad blogger.  I have been so busy, but we finally found a place to live.  YEA!!  We officially moved in on March 8th, and we still have a million, billion (not an exaggeration) boxes to unpack.  It is crazy!

I've got tons to catch up on, but for right now I just wanted to share this photo so I can delete it from my phone :-).

This was left on our back steps the day we moved in.  Let's just say our new neighbors rock!

Hope all is well with everyone, and I'll be back soon.

Somethin's Gotta Give

I surrender.

The last few weeks have been so stressful trying to make progress on things each week, plus learning a new job where everything is a mess, trying to sell my house in Texas, being away from my people, living in this tiny hotel room, and then for the last 10 days or so trying desperately to find a place to live as all my worldly belongings sit on tractor trailer somewhere in southern Wisconsin. 

It's been absolutely insane, I've been putting so much pressure on myself and I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels on all of it.  I'm going to take a break from the blog for a couple of weeks. I'm sure I'll post here and there, but it won't be a regular thing.  Hopefully things will settle down before the end of this month, and I'll be back soon.

On the upside - spring is coming!!  Do you feel it?!  Longer days, a few more birds, not quite as bitterly cold.  I LOVE sunshine!  Just sayin'...

Brave

I've done a little bit of art journaling - mostly backgrounds - but I did finish one page the other day.  I just had this idea floating around in my head...  I cut the letters out of a map of Sheboygan.

That's kind of how I feel things have been going for the past few years.  For a while, I was at a complete stop - maybe even going backwards - then last year it started to feel like things were picking up a bit, but moving really, really slow.  Since the start of this year, it feels like everything is on all out GO!  And it's all going in a good way - FINALLY!!!

And you would think that I'd be ready for anything, but still even when things are going well, it sometimes takes a little bravery to go with it and appreciate it.  I am appreciating it - TONS - in spite of the fear and hesitation. 

Linking up here.

Good Day

I hear tell this is like summer time... 

I'm not complaining - this is good!

First Day of School

Do you think I slept?

If you answered NO, you would be correct.  I don't sleep very well most of the time, but when I'm away from home I really don't sleep well.  Then, add to that all the anxiety of being alone and starting a new job, and I think I may have slept about 2 hours the first night.

Do I look skeerd?  Hmmm....  Ok, breathe, laugh at yourself, and try again.

That's a little better.  Notice the black suit - I was trying really hard to be a grown up.  I haven't worn it since my first day, but I'm thinking of breaking that bad boy out again this week - if for no other reason than to see how much weight I've gained in the past few weeks.  (ARGH! but that's another story...)

Lovely, no snow!  YEA!!  My first week, it was in the 30's and 40's and there was no snow.  AWESOME!!!  This isn't going to be as bad as everyone led me to believe - maybe I was over-reacting a bit when I bought those snow boots.  I probably won't ever wear them. (hah - just wait...)

What?!  Are you kidding me?  A parking spot of my very own... and it's in the second row!  It doesn't matter how late I'm running, I will always have a spot close to the door, and it's even got my name on it (kinda)!  I'm in love, are you? 

And this is my new 'home away from home.'  I'd spent the day in here putting a few things up and trying to get organized.  The building is very 'industrial' and 'lofty' with the exposed pipes, vents and brick.  I kinda like the vibe. 

You see all that paper on the back part of the desk?  Most of it is gone.  Well - not really gone,  I still have the one pile on the left, the rest has been hidden. I have no idea what's in those folders, so I probably could have thrown it away, but I kept it just in case I need it in the future.  That last remaining pile - that puppy is a goner this week - that's my goal.  I hate hanging onto paper - I'm going electronic, baby.

Facing the other direction, it's not such a good view this way, but I'll bring some art in and it will get better.  It definitely needs some COLOR!!  (I had to close the door so people wouldn't see what a big dork I was taking pictures of my office!  They didn't need to learn that on the first day - we'll just let 'em learn that over time.)

Did you notice that it's dark outside? It was probably about 4:30 pm. Yeah, it gets dark REALLY early here. I'm not loving that part, I need a grow light or a tanning bed... maybe both - but I only want the grow light if it makes me grow taller, not wider! :-)

So, that's it.  I'm all nested in.  It's nice to feel settled in somewhere.  Now, I just have to find a real home for my non-work life.

Packing

Back to the regularly scheduled programming - catching up with what's been happening this month...

Note to self:  it's not a good idea to try to pack up your life and move halfway across the country during the holidays.

Geez!  After I accepted the Kohler offer, I thought I would be able to relax and enjoy the holidays.  WRONG!  The entire time, I had all the usual Christmas pressures, PLUS I was trying to get the house ready to go on the market, say goodbye to all my peeps, figure out what I needed to take with me for the first 30 days, visit with Chicken Little, and do all the pre-job prep.  It was not relaxing - to say the least...

Humph - well, at least it wasn't relaxing for me!  The man seemed to be pretty chill - wearing shorts in December - don't think I'll see that again any time soon!

I started gathering winter 'gear'.  The hat - not so functional, but cute.  And the boots...

...not so cute, but oh, so functional.  No, I did not buy these at a store in Texas - I had to order them online. Was very happy they arrived before I left town!  They are cold rated down to -25 F.  Although, I have to say that if it gets that cold here, I won't be wearing these because I will not be leaving the house!  They are GI-NORMOUS.  I wanted to make sure I could wear thick socks with them, so I ordered a size and a half bigger (they only came in whole sizes).  Yep, they're a bit floppy, but they keep my feet dry and warm so it's all good.  :-)

Let the packing begin:

I had to pay overweight, checked bag fees for this big boy.  It was 75 lbs!  But it was nice to have so much stuff with me when I got here.  I ended up checking three bags and carrying on two - thought I might have to take out a second mortgage to pay for it!

Then, I packed up about 5 boxes and Joe shipped them to me at the hotel.  You never know what you're going to need, it was really tough to decide what to take and what not to take.  If I thought I might want it, I packed it - I figured it would have to get up here at some point, right?

Yes, I did bring the slippers, but I haven't used them.  My big super wool socks don't really fit in them, and I'm not giving up the warm socks for nuthin'!

I wish that I had left the slippers and brought a couple more pairs of work shoes.  I don't know why I decided to be prudent when it came to the number of shoes I packed - I only have one pair of black flats.  Really?!  What was I thinking?!  I wear black flats almost everyday.  I would have bought another pair already, except that the closest DSW is about 50 miles away.

I don't think my closet has had this much open space since I moved into the house.  I'm concerned that Joe has filled it all up with his stuff since I've been gone.

Last, but not least, I had to make sure I packed all of my study materials so I would be ready on my first day.  :-)  And on January 2nd, I loaded it all up and flew to Milwaukee so I could start work the next day.

Another note to self:  when moving and starting a new job, allow more than 10 hours between the arrival of your flight and showing up to the office.

That was it - bye bye house, bye yard, bye pool, bye Mexican food and normal donut stores (OMG!), bye warm, bye green almost all year. Bye craft room and art supplies (for now).  Bye peeps - that part was really tough!

It was so hard to leave my home, but it just felt like I was going on a really long business trip. Denial?  Maybe, but whatever it takes to make it through the day, right?!  I still don't know if it's sunk in that this is really happening. However, I will admit that the first snow storm up here, was a bit of an eye-opener (not so much in a good way.)

And I'm shufflin', shufflin'....  (that is shuffle, not shovel - no shoveling for me yet as long as I'm in temporary housing someone else handles the shoveling - thank goodness!)

Journey

I began this journey in the early fall. It started first on the phone, but quickly moved to a visit to tiny Kohler, Wisconsin.  Wow - it's beautiful here.

After spending a day in Kohler, my next stop was Milwaukee where I realized there was a giant lake up here, doh!

And some really cool old houses... 

Second leg of the journey, back to Kohler to explore the area. Hmmm... would I really want to work here?  to live here?!  Considering and thinking...

Everyone was so nice, and the weather was really cooperating!  (Everyone kept telling me that it was unusually warm - let's just say we were all on our best behavior!)

LOVE these green slate roof shingles!

These were all taken at The American Club - where we stayed during this trip. It's a five diamond resort, with some pretty cool history behind it. It was awesome! During this second trip, we also went to a Green Bay Packers game - that was fun - but pretty darn cold!

The American Club has a lot of history - it was built in the early days of Kohler Company, as a sort of boarding house for Kohler employees (mostly immigrants). Our room was kind of small, but the bathroom was amazing (of course!). 

The building twists and turns for days - I kept getting lost and ending up on the wrong floor (regardless of the one I was trying to find).  I thought it was cool that one of the restaurants, the Horse & Plow Pub, used to be a bowling alley for the workers.

The day before Thanksgiving, I got the call.  They made me an offer to move to Kohler, WI and work for Kohler Company.

Oh my goodness - this is exciting - but oh, so scary!  I have to pick up my life and move to a completely 'foreign' part of the country?  New job, new home, new life...the journey continues...

Daily Art Journal

I ran across this blog a couple of weeks and ago and have been obsessing a bit with the idea of starting an Art Journal.  You can read all about Julie's Daily Art Journal challenge here.  Since I've decided to start doing something creative on a more regular basis, what could be more regular than every day?  So, I linked up earlier today to participate in the challenge this month.

I can give this a try for one month, right?  Just 10 minutes a day - no big deal.  This is part of my healing plan for this year - the mind and mostly the spirit part.  

I had this journal - it's just a blank, hardback sketchbook.  I mod podged tissue paper all over the cover and then added the chip board thingys (forgive me, I don't know all the lingo).

I have to admit that I am loving all the tools of the trade, but I must.stop.shopping!  Just to name a few:  crop-o-dile (the big one - LOVE), debossing tools (LOVE!), Mod Podge for days (LOVE it so much I might marry it!), Exactos, bone folders (LOVE!), pens, papers, stencils (OMG, the stencils!), paints, stamps, etc, etc, etc.  There are so many super-cool toys to buy that I could get lost in all the stuff and never get around to making anything!

Here's the inside cover.  I lost my mind here.  I couldn't decide what I wanted to do, so I did EVERYTHING!  Then I just needed a little empty space and stuck that ugly note on it.  Oh well - I'm not judging - at least I started.

I think I need to work on my relationship with the matte version of mod podge.  The shiny is starting to get on my nerves a bit.

This is the first page.  I don't know why I felt the need to put this in there.  It's not like this book will EVER leave my play room, much less my house, so there's not really any danger of it being lost, or if it is, of anyone other than me finding it.  I was influenced by some of the other journals I'd been looking at online.  Several seemed to have a contact page, and it didn't require much effort, so there it is.  :-)

Today is Day 1, and what did I do today in my journal?  Nuthin'.  As soon as I committed and joined in the challenge, all of my ideas on things to journal about seemed to dry right up.  Why does that happen? 

Instead of journaling, I posted pictures of the cover and wrote a blog about it.  It's taken me at least 10 minutes.  That counts.  (This game is supposed to be about fun, and I get to make up the rules.  So, if I say it counts, and we start celebrating.)   Happy dance!  Feel free to join in - no rhythm necessary.

Assuming my brain starts working again in the next few days, I'm sure you'll be seeing more posts about this in the future. :-)

heal

I've intended to write this post for the past TWO months, but I'm running a little late. Do you sense a pattern???

Anyway, early in January, it seemed like everyone out there in blog-land was talking about finding ONE word to set the tone for the coming year. At first, I kept thinking why would you limit your year with just one word??  It was overwhelming to think of all the words, all the possibilities, all the limitations associated with this idea.  But every time I'd think that and try to dismiss the idea, one little word would whisper in my ear:  heal.

I'd hear it. I'd acknowledge it. I'd dismiss it. After all, if you are going to focus your year on one word, shouldn't it be more dynamic, more positive, more "doing", more motivational, more spectacular, more visible, more...impressive?  But that word kept whispering, and I'm telling ya, it sounded like a place I wanted to go and curl up for awhile (maybe for a....year).

So, here I am, two months in, crawling into my word for this year. (BTW - March is my birthday month, so I can very easily rationalize that this month is the beginning of my new year, and not only am I not late, I'm early because I have almost 3 weeks left 'til I start my new b-day year.)

The past couple of years have been pretty crapilicious. I have been surviving. Getting through each day was an effort, and thinking about getting up and doing it again the next day was overwhelming. I don't want to live my life in survival mode. Some things have improved, but many remain the same. I know that until the situations that are out of my control change, all I can do is change my response, pick up the pieces, apply the lesson's I've learned, and prepare for all the good stuff that's gotta be heading my way. (Can I get an Amen?)

Frankly, I'm not ready for the good stuff. If it showed up today, I wouldn't be able to fully appreciate it because I am too blinded by all the yuck. To be able to hug all of that goodness to me, first I need to spend time recovering from the beating that has been the last few years.

ALL wounds heal, but there are things we can do speed the process. I need lots of stillness and contemplation. I need water and sunshine (best I can tell, they cure pretty much everything). I also need some action. I was concerned about there not being enough "DOING" associated with this word, but I think it may end up that I have to work harder and do more to heal than I would have for any other word I could have chosen.  

I've started this journey:  my trip to BGC and my new commitment to doing something creative on a regular basis, have made an amazing difference in my outlook already.  Now, the other 'sick' areas of my life deserve a similar focus and commitment (either that, or some serious medicine-man ju-ju).  Since we're short on ju-ju in these parts, I guess that means I must DO all those things necessary to heal my mind, my body, my spirit, and my situation. 
 
So, here goes - let the healin' begin!

Maybe next year, I'll focus on the word TIMELY....or, probably not.

Wireless?

I'm not a fan of New Year's Resolutions.  Generally, I think they're too restrictive, too all-or-nothing, and I feel like they usually set you up for failure from the get-go.

However, I do believe that a New Year (or even a new week/new day/new decision point) gives you an opportunity re-evaluate your situation and make course corrections, or set goals and targets for the future. 

As I've considered changes I want to make going forward, all of these "connections" kept jumping out at me.  Definitely giving me something to think about.

Are all of these devices really connecting me to the world, or are they enabling my disconnection?

Kindness of Strangers?

Last Friday, as I waited to take the train downtown to the Christmas Market, I was feeling nervous and out of my element.  I was taking the train because I didn't want to deal with traffic, and I didn't want to pay $15 for parking.  I ended up leaving work later than planned, and because it was more convenient, I drove to a park and ride station that is closer to downtown. 

Most of the people waiting at that station did not look like me.  I was uncomfortable, anxious, in a hurry and a little on edge.  There was a group of teenagers five feet away acting loud and stupid - doing what teenagers do.  I was annoyed.

I stood there waiting, being irritated.  A woman came up to me and politely asked if this train would stop at her destination.  I am embarrassed to say that my annoyance became obvious.  I turned around and snapped, "I don't know." 

I saw the surprise on her face and realized what I had done. I tried to fix it.  I tried to laugh and tell her that I wasn't sure because it had been a long time since I'd been on the train.  I looked around for a map of the route, but didn't see one.  I told her that the train stopped at all of the stations downtown (which it did), so it would probably stop at hers.  I looked for the map, but I did not move from the spot where I was standing.  Most likely, if I had taken the time to walk three steps in either direction, I would have seen a map and we could have looked at it together and figured out the route she needed to take.  I couldn't be bothered.  The train came and I got on a different car - away from her and the obnoxious teenagers.

It's scary to get on a train when you don't know exactly where it's going.  I know that because I was in exactly the same position.  I had a good idea of where I was going, but I was not 100% sure - I had never been to my destination stop before.  That woman needed my help, was brave enough to ask for it, and I was so absorbed in my situation and my judgement of those around me that I couldn't be bothered to help her.  I am not proud.

20 minutes later, I got off the train at my stop.  It was a rather dimly lit, deserted underpass.  The building where I was going was a couple of blocks away.  I had to walk, and I was not positive which direction to go.  I was nervous and a little scared, but I started walking in what I hoped was the right direction.  There were very few people at the station.  I did not make eye contact with those I passed, and I tried to walk with purpose. 

I passed a group of 3 -4  hoodlums and heard some "hey, baby..." type of comment.  I walked faster.

As I rounded the corner, I saw two women who looked like me.  They were carrying bags that had the Christmas Market logo.  I felt certain I was heading in the right direction, but still wasn't sure which way to turn at the end of the block.  I spoke up and asked those two women, "Excuse me, are y'all coming from the Christmas Market?"  They both quit talking, looked down, and kept walking.

I said it again, louder, "Excuse me, are you coming from the Market?"  One of them glared at me and said, "I don't know. We're not from around here."  She obviously hadn't heard me.  I stopped walking and said, looking at their bags, "You're coming from the Christmas Market.  Which way is it?"  The woman did not stop walking, sighed and said vaguely waving her hand, "Go that way and take a right," and she turned away, dismissing me. 

I walked on and did find the building, but getting to that market was no longer my the focus of my journey that day.

Within 10 seconds of that encounter, I was no longer scared or anxious.  I was angry.  I felt somehow diminished - somehow less than - unworthy of kindness or acknowledgement. 

Within 30 seconds, I was humbled and embarrassed. I looked in the mirror and what I saw was not pretty. Not only had those women looked like me, they had behaved like me.

I wonder have we become so wary of strangers that we cannot lend a hand to those in need?  Are we so afraid of being taken advantage of that we have completely closed ourselves off and we're unwilling to show compassion to those brave enough to reach out and show their vulnerability?

Not being in the situation, it's easy to judge and say you would have responded kindly to that first woman.  But within the span of less than one hour, two women (one of them me) had responded in the same exceedingly ungracious manner.  What would you have done?

I've thought about these two scenarios quite a bit over the last several days.  I understood and was grateful for the lesson almost immediately, but I am still wondering if I have learned it.  Would I behave any differently now?  I hope that I would.

Worse than Crack

Hello, my name is Lisa and I am a Diet Pepsi-aholic.

This stuff is poison and it's terrible and it triggers me to eat bad things, and yet I cannot seem to quit drinking it. It is crazy!

I've sworn off a million times. After I’ve quit for a while, and I think it’s safe to have just one, it doesn’t even taste good. But the second one tastes a lot better. It’s not the caffeine I crave, it’s the carbonation.

I bought two of these gi-normous bottles today. As soon as they are gone, that’s it - I'm done. I have got to lose some weight, and I’ve never been able to lose it and continue to drink this stuff at the same time. By Wednesday I will be Pepsi-free. You heard it here first...

Confession

Did you ever have a day that started like this?? This is exactly how I felt this morning...

I worked up the nerve to climb onto the scale, and that's when it hit me. I'm as big as a hippo! I spent some time in the pool this weekend and I'm sure that I must have resembled this. I completely understand why hippos hang out in the water - it's low impact, low gravity and it's much easier for us chunkies to move around.

Here's my story (I'll try to be brief). Twenty years ago, I was young and cute... weren't we all?

It's obnoxious, I know - it was the '80's what can I say? I was working out in my working-out outfit and I was proud. But even before that picture, I struggled with my weight 5, 10, 20, 30 pounds. This picture was taken after I'd just lost 30 pounds.

Time passed and one day I got preggers and gained a butt-load (literally) of weight. She was a big baby, but 9.5 lbs of baby doesn’t translate to 85 pounds for mama! I realize that it was my own doing, but I have not been the same since.

There have been times as a grown up when I lost weight, and I swear I will never go back. Each time, I swear that “I finally get it."

I ALWAYS get it: Move more, eat less - it's not a hard concept, but it is extremely hard to put into practice. No one knows more about losing weight than a fatty. Life just always seems to get in the way. To paraphrase Oprah, it's about the food, but it's not about the food. When my life gets out of control, so does my eating and my self-neglect (i.e., no exercise). You can tell how crazy my life is at any given point by how big my pants are.

This is me, about 7 years ago, at my lowest post-prego weight (158 lbs). I was running every day, lifting weights, and eating NO carbs.

Let's jump to the recent past - in January, 2009 I tipped the scales at a whopping 250 lbs. I know - gross, right? I got on a mission. I know how to lose it, and by the end of May that year I weighed 175. I hadn’t reached my goal yet, but still I was pretty happy with the progress. Again, I was running about 30 miles a week and doing yoga. I really love both running and yoga. I felt great! So what happened?

Life - we went on a cruise (my profile picture is from this vacation), and on the last night I ended up in the infirmary in the worst pain EVER. One minute I was fine, and the next minute I was throwing up and rolling on the bed drenched in sweat. It may have been worse than childbirth (no exaggerating). It was my gall bladder. I'd been eating low fat, low carb for the past 5 months, then I got on this boat and ate high fat, high sugar, high carb, high everything. I can't imagine why my body might rebel.

When we got off the ship the next day I was fine, but ended up back in the hospital 2 days later. It was infected, so they pumped me with antibiotics and a day or so later, the doctor yanked that puppy out.

That event marked the end of my weight loss mission. Over the next 16 months, I proceeded to gain over a pound a week. I got out of the exercise habit, I started slacking off on eating right, it got really busy at work, the holidays, getting Chicken Little accepted into college, graduated from high school, then off to college, blah, blah, blah... And that brings us to right now...

Yes, I'm standing on the side of the bath tub, and please ignore the ugly bathroom. This is me today (in my very best outfit.) ;-) I haven't gained back every pound, but pretty darn close.

My problem now is that I don't feel like I can exercise enough to lose the weight as quickly as I want to. For the past 6 - 8 months, I've been having joint pain (knees, hips, shoulders, neck, wrists) - I pretty much ache all the time. I'm sure the weight is playing a part in that, but we haven't figured out yet if anything else may be causing it.

I'm so frustrated and disappointed and embarrassed and ashamed. It's hard to get up and go to work everyday and face all those people who have watched my weight go down and then right back up. It's hard to make myself see my friends and family because I see their "oh-wow-she's-put-it-all-back-on" reactions. I feel bad that my poor husband has such a big, fat wife.

Egads! I'm afraid they are going to have to bring a crane in to get me out of the house if something doesn't change soon!

I'm not putting all this out here because I want you to feel sorry for me or to worry about me. I'm writing it because I need to be honest. I need to put a stake (not steak) in the ground and say this is enough. I know that once you shine the light on your shame, it makes it not seem quite so bad.

I also know that I'm not my weight; that it does not define me or make me less of a person. I need to be nicer to myself and start treating myself like I would a good friend who was having a similar struggle.

This is it. I'm writing it down, acknowledging and owning it. I'm also releasing it. I'm tired of the struggle and of beating up on myself. I'm going to start taking better care of myself - physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I may fall, but I just have to keep getting up. As long as I get up one more time than I fall, I will be successful. So, I'm getting up again.

Besides, we only have room for one sunbathing hippo at our house...

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9